Let Me In
by Satya Kaden
Summary: Caitie and Jamie are finally getting closer to that line which separates friendship from something a bit more serious. Yet, what if Caitie makes the wrong decision and it ruins their friendship forever? From Caitie's POV**CHAPTER THREE NOW HERE**
1. Default Chapter

We were kissing

Disclaimer: I own nothing IaHB related.

Note: This will be a song fic, starting in the next chapter.For this chapter, though, this is just a normal fic.

Told from the viewpoint of Caitie Roth.

We were kissing.We were sitting on the couch in the living room of my house and we were kissing.I, Caitie Roth, was kissing my best friend, Jamie.Holy God, I was kissing Jamie!

Isn't it funny how those things happen?I mean, when Jamie had gotten to my house for our monthly movie marathon, I had never dreamed we'd end up swapping spit on the couch in the living room.In fact, if anyone had told me that that was what we would end up doing, I would probably have laughed.Me and Jamie?No way.

But now, as my hands slid around to lock behind his neck, I couldn't help but think, _yes way._

It was like one of those kisses that you only see in chick movies.You know, the kind where the guy moves closer and closer while the girl closes her eyes and parts her lips in anticipation.And then as their lips touch, a bolt of bright light surrounds them and they look at each other in awe.Okay, so we didn't have the bright light thing, but my heart was beating so fast I thought it might explode.And why, against my own volition (I swear!) did my fingers seem to be creeping up into Jamie's hair?Was this really what I wanted, to be making out with Jamie Waite on the couch in my living room?No! …………maybe……

We were still kissing.

You know, I couldn't figure that out.I mean, most boys I had kissed before had been different.They had given me a little kiss on the lips and I had groaned silently.Kissing, to me, had always been somewhat of a nusiance.Oh sure, I liked it, but most boys were crappy at it.They all apparently had thought that for our first kiss, I would be ecstatically happy if they did an in-depth analysis of my tonsils.Either that or they would kiss me on the lips so fast, that it was like only the wind had touched me.And I Was supposed to get excited over _that?!?! _

And then there was Billy.He thought he was God's gift to girls when it came to the area of kissing.Too bad he sucked at it.I equate Billy's kissing skills to a dead fish.They're both cold, clammy and downright icky.

But, Jamie was different.He was warm and………………….Wow, we were still kissing.It definitely had to be over two minutes now.Anyway, like I was saying, unlike other guys I had kissed, Jamie was more hesitant.He had leaned closer and I had closed my eyes (very movie-like) and then he had kissed me.Just a little kiss on the lips, except that we just kind of froze in that position for a few seconds.And then Jamie pulled back, like, an inch or so and kissed me again.And then again.Soon, we had the 'little kiss on the lips' thing down pretty well.Then, Jamie moved closer to me on the couch.When he leaned in to kiss me again and his tongue cautiously, hesitantly sneaked out to touch my bottom lip (in mid-kiss, no less), I let him kiss me deeper.And it was totally different from the other guys I've kissed.Jamie wasn't leading an excavation towards my tonsils, he was simply kissing me.I was enjoying every minute of it.

His left arm was wrapped around me, holding me closer to him and the fingers of his right hand were playing with the ends of my hair.It couldn't get much better than this, I tell you.

I suppose you are wondering how this happened.I mean, like I said, I had not invited Jamie to my house, intent on kissing him.Nope.I had invited him for our monthly movie marathon.The kiss was just something that happened.And it wasn't like we had looked at each other and realized that we were madly in love.No, it didn't happen that way at all.Actually, it all kind of started with a dare.

"Okay," Jamie said, standing up in front if the television and holding up a video tape.He aimed his brown eyes at Caitie , who was sitting on the couch, and raised an eyebrow."Explain to me again why we have to watch a chick flick?"

_Caitie rolled her eyes.She had already explained all this to Jamie.It really wasn't that hard of an explanation to understand on the first try."Because Cindy and Stephanie were talking about it in my gym class today and they said it was really good."_

_Jamie glanced dubiously at the videotape.How could a chick movie possibly be good?He and Caitie never watched chick movies at the monthly movie marathon.Usually, it was comedies of the Adam Sandler persuasion.Or action movies.They never watched chick flicks."Sliding Doors," he read off the label on the tape."Never heard of it."_

_Caitie sighed."Duh, that's why we're gonna watch it, Waite.Put it in the VCR."_

_Jamie obliged her command and then plopped himself down on the couch next to Caitie.His hand automatically reached over to the arm of the couch, where two remote controls sat waiting to be used.Grasping one of them, Jamie aimed it at the television and fast-forwarded through the previews on the beginning of the tape.Usually, he and Caitie skipped over the previews in order to get to the movie sooner.Unless, of course, the previews on the beginning of the tape included something with Heath Ledger or Keanu Reeves.In that case, Jamie was always forced to stop fast-forwarding so Catiie could drool a little.In her opinion, anything with those two was sacred.Thankfully though (in Jamie's opinion), neither guy was in the previews and Jamie and Caitie got the beginning of the movie within a matter of seconds._

_They settled down into the couch and watched the beginning of the movie._

_"You know," Jamie mumbled after a few minutes of watching the movie, "this is going to be our last movie night for a while since you are leaving for college next week."_

_A shiver of excitement ran through Caitie's veins as she took her eyes off the television and glanced at her friend, who sat slouched next to her.Throughout all of high school, Caitie had never really looked forward to going to college.In her opinion, it was just something that everyone did.Just another stage of life.She had gone through the normal process of hanging out in the guidance office looking at college catalouges and all that, but it never really hit her that this would be such a big step.Even when she had been accepted to Syracuse University, which had one of the best writing houses in the country, she still had not been too excited._

_It was the day of graduation that it finally hit her that the world of lockers and petty teenage politics was almost behind her.She had been sitting on the stage in the auditorium, only half listening as the Carlson droned on and on about how 'they were going out into the world now' and how 'it was up to them to make a difference'.And she had looked out into the audience and seen Jamie sitting with her parents.He had caught her eye and grinned and suddenly, she had realized that in just a few months, she would not be seeing him for a rather long time._

_She didn't remember if she smiled back at Jamie because right after that, the graduates were told to stand up so they could be called to get their diplomas.She had walked through the motions as if she were a robot, he mind had been a jumble.And then after the last graduate was called, people around her started screaming and throwing their caps into the air.Caitie had just stood there, looking up towards the ceiling of the auditorium as dozens and dozens of square red objects floated up and then back down to their owners._

_It was then that it hit her.Good God, she was going to do it.She was going to go to Syracuse University and major in writing.And she was going to get away from all the closed minded people of Kingsport High, who hadn't talked to her because she was just (in their opinion) too different._

_From that point on, going to college took on a whole new meaning for Caitie.She became excited as the weeks went by and the date to leave got closer.She couldn't wait to see her dorm room and to meet her roommate in person.There would be freedom that she had never had while living at home.It would just be so cool._

_There was just one thing wrong with the whole picture.Jamie couldn't go with her._

_"Well," she said, "I'll be home for Thanksgiving.We can do the next one then."_

_She pitied him in the fact that he had another year to go at Kingsport High.He still had to put up with the small minded people and the petty bullshit that high school is all about at times. He still had to deal with the fact that some bigger guys liked to pick on him because they didn't think he was cool enough.And who would be there to stop him from getting in fights as Caitie had in the past?No one.He'd have to do it all on his own._

_Jamie sighed and ran his fingers through his dark hair.Thanksgiving was a long time away and he really was going to miss Caitie.Who was he going to share detention with?Who was he going to have around to have fun with and to generally understand him?No one.He'd have to do it all on his own._

_"Don't worry," Caitie said with a small laugh."I'll e-mail you all the time." _

_He smiled, hoping that that was the truth."Fine.Okay.Whatever.Let's just stop watching this chick flick, okay? Let's watch a real movie."_

_Caitie laughed."What, James, you afraid you might feel a little sappy after this movie is done?"_

_Jamie shifted his position on the couch and grimaced.Sappy was not a word that would normally be used to describe him.No way._

_Caitie laughed again to see her friend's discomfort.She had to admit that she, too, was not a romance fan, but hey, the two girls in her gym class had said it was a good movie.And besides, it wasn't all romance.There were some comedy elements that Caitie had already spotted.The Scottish guy was hilarious._

_"Okay," she agreed as she tore her eyes away from the screen again, "I realize that some of the chick flicks are cheesy, but give this one a chance, okay?I kind of want to see how it ends."_

_Jamie grumbled and slouched even further down on the couch.What was it with girls and romance films?Why did they always make guys suffer through them?And what did the girls like about these kinds of movies anyway?They were all the same.Girl meets boy and they get along great until some kind of barrier creeps up and tries to push them apart.But, in the end, they somehow find a way to get over that barrier and be together forever.Happily ever after.Yuck, Jamie thought.That was not reality at all, in his opinion._

_"And why do girls have to read into everything so much?"Jamie continued out loud."I mean, how come in a movie, when the girl gets kissed, she has to read into what the guy 'must have meant' when he kissed her.Can't a guy just kiss her?" _

_Caitie simply stared at him amused."Go on," she said, wondering where in the world he was going with these thoughts._

_"Well, it's like………it's like if I kissed you right now and it was all great and everything, but then afterwards you were wondering what the heck I was thinking of while I kissed you."_

_Caitie froze.Okay, she thought, where did that come from?She looked at Jamie closely and her brow furrowed a bit as she tried to think of some sarcastic thing to say to diffuse the situation.How in the world had the room seemed to get so airless all of the sudden? _

_"I don't read into kisses that guys give me because usually the guy doesn't put much thought into it at all.So, I know there is nothing there to think about," she replied after a minute and then she cocked her head to the side and smiled slightly."Why, do you think of something amazing when you kiss a girl you like?"She asked.The question had been partly in interest and partly in humor.The answer, though, was not exactly what she expected._

_Jamie looked away from Caitie's eyes and back at the television screen where the new couple were kissing for the first time."Yeah, well, I mean, I don't know.Maybe.I haven't really thought of it before now."_

_Caitie rolled her eyes.He was such a guy.Leave it to them to bring up a rather interesting concept to mull over and then give a somewhat vague answer when questioned about it."Okay, well let's do a test, then," she said and grinned like the devil._

_"What?"_

_"Let's test your theory about girls reading into the kiss.You kiss me and I'll tell you what you were thinking," she replied and then raised her eyebrows at Jamie to see if he would take the dare._

_Jamie shook his head and sat up a bit straighter on the couch.His insides were churning for some reason that he didn't even want to think about.Kiss Caitie?Like, kiss her like she meant something to him as more than a friend?Jeez, he thought.He couldn't do that.It would just be too weird, wouldn't it?"I don't think that's such a good idea, Caitie," he said finally and then turned his attention back to the screen before him._

_Caitie narrowed her eyes."C'mon Waite.You chicken?"_

_Jamie turned his head slowly until his gaze touched her own.Chicken?Nah, he wasn't chicken.He just didn't want to kiss her.But, a voice asked in his head, why not?She was only his friend.It wouldn't mean anything at all.Would it?_

_"Fine," he said, turning his body so he could face her better."I'll do it."_

_ _

And that's how it happened.We kissed.And it seemed as if after we started kissing, we couldn't really stop.I was running a bit short on breath because of all this kissing business, but did you hear me complain?Noooo….

I don't really know what made me challenging Jamie to kiss me.I mean, yeah, it was what he had said about girls reading into it and all that.I didn't really agree with what he said, so I wanted to prove him wrong.And I thought that it would be harmless enough.I mean, Jamie was my friend.We'd never even come close to passing over that invisible, extremely-clichéd line between friendship and relationship.We'd always stayed firm on the friendship side.

God, he was a good kisser.Damn, I thought, as his hand came up to cup my cheek.Forget everything I said before about girls not reading into kisses because I surely was.My original plan had been to kiss Jamie quickly and then tell him something like, "I think that that kiss meant we should watch the Keanu Reeves movie now."Something like that.Something very Caitie-like to say.He would expect something like that.But….er……that wasn't exactly what I was reading from it.Heck, it was nowhere near it.

And what was I reading from it?Well, here we have my friend Jamie kissing the very life out of me and I am enjoying it.

I opened my eyes for a second to check and then closed them again and went back to enjoying our kiss.Yup, his eyes were closed too.He was enjoying it as much as I was.

So, two people, who had never done anything other than the usual friendship-like things, are now sitting on the couch kissing like their whole world depends on it.Okay, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that maybe just maybe, deep down in my subconscious, I kind of maybe sort of wanted Jamie to kiss me.But, what about him?He was apparently enjoying it to.

Jamie's hand, which had been playing with my hair, now left my dark locks and moved own to touch the bottom of my shirt.It rested there for just a second, his fingers closed over the material.Holy Nelly, my heart started pounding even more and I wondered if it was possible that I was in the middle of having a heart attack.Ah well, I thought, not wanting to disturb the moment. At least Jamie is an EMT and he can save me.

My hands were in his hair, twisting the rather short strands around my fingertips.And at this point, my lips (I was pretty much sure of this) were super glued to his forever.What's a girl to do in a situation like this?Sit back, relax and enjoy.

I leaned back into the couch a little bit and thought about how this would most likely change our friendship.Good stuff, I thought, knowing that it might actually turn out to be a good thing.After all, it would be cool to tell my new roommate about my 'boyfriend' at home…….

Oh my gosh, I though.I am going to college next week.I'm leaving and I won't see Jamie for a really long time.I can't do this.

Jamie kissed me even deeper and panic welled up in my throat.What was I thinking?Did I think that if Jamie and I started a relationship, it would be 'happily ever after' like the chick flicks always were?That wasn't reality.Reality was long distance relationships not working out all the time.Reality was knowing that Jamie was still going to be in Kingsport and I was going to be in Syracuse.It would never work.

And why risk our friendship for that?We'd known each other for years, ever since Jamie moved to the Kingsport school district when we were thirteen.We were so close.Ahem, yes, right now we were in the literal sense, but I also meant in the friendship sense.Why would I want to screw that up?

Jamie's hand slid under my shirt and touched the bare skin of my stomach.Holy Lord, I thought, noticing how every one of my senses seemed to have gathered right where his hand lay on my skin.A part of me wanted to know what he was thinking.Did he have doubts as well about this whole thing?Even if he didn't, I did.I couldn't risk our friendship for some little make-out session that would inevitably end.And I would go off to college and everything would fall apart.Might as well end it now before it got too serious.

"Um, Jamie," I said, pulling back from him a little bit.He ignored me and tried to kiss me again, but I reached up and shoved him a bit on the chest, hoping that he'd get the message.Back away now, my mind telepathically sent to his mind.Back away before anyone gets hurt.Yeah, like he could hear me anyway.

Jamie froze when I pushed on his chest and slowly, he opened his eyes and looked at me to see what was wrong.Apparently, the look on my face said it all because slowly he moved away from me.My stomach all the sudden seemed cold where his hand had been, but I ignored that and concentrated on what the heck I was going to say to this guy.He was my friend, but he had also just kissed the air out of me.No one had ever done that before.It was more than a little scary.

"Look," said, shrugging.Maybe if I kept the mood light, it would all be okay."I don't know what you thought I would think when you kissed me, but nothing came to my mind."

Okay, so I lied.But, it was to save our friendship.Heck, a little white lie had never hurt anyone, had it?

The look of hurt in Jamie's eyes was overwhelming and just for a second, I almost caved and told him the truth of what I had been thinking.But, no, I couldn't do that.No way.This was for the best. It would never work out between us.And in the end, I still wanted us to be friends.

Jamie looked away quickly and stared at the floor in front of the couch.I glanced at the t.v. and saw that the couple in the movie were kissing again.God, didn't they ever get tired of doing that?I wanted so badly to turn the television off so that I didn't have to see the people on the screen being so happy and in love.Here in my living room, the mood was dark, saddened by what I had said to Jamie.

He was staring at the floor and I could see his jaw was clenched as if something really was bothering him.He always clenched his jaw when he was thinking really hard about something.And then he looked back up at me and I saw again the hurt in his eyes.Did I see a little anger too?Had he somehow seen through my little white lie?

"Caitie--," he started, but I cut him off.This was such new territory for me.Like I said before, I never expected any of this to happen in the first place.And now, as I sat on the couch, I realized that I didn't want to hear what he had to say.I just didn't, because I knew his words would be the truth of how he felt about what had just happened.And I couldn't, didn't want to know what he thought of it all.If he started talking about it, I'd be lost.And then our friendship would go right down the tubes.So, I did the only thing I could think of.

"Maybe you should just go," I said quietly and tried to ignore the pure pain that shot into his eyes.He stared at me for just a moment as if trying to assess whether or not I was kidding.I wasn't.So, he looked back towards the television, nodded once as if accepting the wall I had unconsciously put between us and then he stood abruptly and without any word, he left.

I sat on the couch stunned, not believing that any of it had really happened.I looked back at the television screen and saw the two principle actors laughing at some party they were at.The tears rolled down my cheeks but I pretended not to notice them until they made my vision so blurry that I could no longer see the movie.And then I leaned back on the couch and cried, thankful that the rest of my family was not at home to see me.

Whew!Okay, J/C fans, don't fret! This is (believe it or not) a happy fic.This first chapter just had to be this way to set up the next chapter.Please review.Thanks.


	2. Chapter two

Disclaimer: I own nothing IaHB related 

Disclaimer: I own nothing IaHB related. Also, the lyrics in this chapter are from the song, "Listen To Your Heart" by Roxette. I, obviously, do not own those either. I do, however, own Sienna and Thorn because they came straight out of my manuscript. J 

You know, I've always believed in the healing powers of ice cream. No matter what kind it is, ice cream seems to make everything look better, even when you feel as crappy as I do. And trust me, if there is anything that can make me feel better right now, it is my two favorite men, Ben and Jerry.

It was _supposed_ to be a fun night. Just me and Jamie at Club Velvet listening to Sienna sing. She was our favorite- lyrics like Tori Amos sung with a voice like Sarah McLachlan. When Jamie and I had heard she was going to be at Club Velvet, we had been ecstatic. I mean, that's the closest she has ever come to Kingsport. Granted, the club was about a half an hour away from Kingsport, but still……… So, as soon as the tickets went on sale, Jamie and I were there, standing in line. We'd had the tickets for a couple of weeks now and we were both looking forward to the concert so much, especially since it would be our last hang-out time together before I go away for college. I leave tomorrow. Anyway, we were _supposed_ to have fun, but it turned out to be Hell.

Sure, Sienna had been phenomenal like always. Her voice was beautiful and the way she played the piano brought tears to my eyes. So, it wasn't that part of the evening that had sucked. It was the part where she had made me and Jamie…….and then Jamie had given me….. Wait, let me start at the beginning.

………………………………………………………………

It was raining tonight, so I told Jamie that I'd drive since it wasn't exactly a smart idea to ride his motorcycle on wet roads. I picked him up around eightish. The concert at the club started at nine. I figured we'd have plenty of time to get there early and get a table close to the stage.

Jamie climbed into my car and shut the door behind him quickly, cutting us off from the loud pouring rain. His hair and jacket were soaked and a drip of rain fell off his nose.

"Hey," I said cheerfully. I mean, we were going to see Sienna! It was totally a reason to be happy, in spite of the crappy weather.

"Hey," Jamie mumbled as he buckled his seatbelt. His head was down, his eyes on the dark buckle as he fastened it.

Right then and there I knew something was wrong. This greeting was totally unJamie-like. Okay, I know he doesn't usually leap in my car and shout 'hello' ecstatically while he grins like a loon. But, usually he says hi with a little more life than your average rock. What was up with him, anyway?

I just kind of sat there for a second, staring at him, trying to figure out what the heck was going on. I mean, was he mad at me for something? I couldn't remember doing anything that could possibly annoy him. Well, there was that whole kiss thing, but that happened last week and we had both just sort of silently agreed not to talk about it. Granted, this was the first time I had seen him in person since the 'incident', but he had sounded fine on the phone when I had called him earlier that night. So, it couldn't be that, could it?

I was so deep in thought that I totally missed the point when Jamie started staring back at me. Jeez, we must have looked pretty stupid sitting there staring at each other. It wasn't even as if we could totally see each other- it was too dark out. But, it sure was something sitting in the dark with Jamie like that. Rain was beating down on the car in a steady, almost rhythmic, pattern. And every once in a while lightening would flicker just enough so that I could see Jamie's face illuminated, his dark eyes straight on me. It was a total chick-movie-kiss moment. But, it was Jamie sitting next to me and there was no way I could kiss him when I was leaving for college the next day.

It was almost as if Jamie had the same thought I did because he suddenly looked away from me abruptly and turned his head to look out the passenger side window.

'We'd better go," he said quietly. 

My heart dropped.

Okay, _what_ just happened? Let's recap. Jamie and I had totally just had a _moment _and he just turns away like we hadn't been staring at each other in a dark car parked in his driveway?!?! It wasn't like this sort of thing happened every day. I mean, I had never ever experienced anything even remotely resembling that moment with Billy. And on top of that, why did Jamie's reaction bother me? I was the one who didn't want to start anything with him. We were friends, that was enough for me. So, how come I experienced a total heart-dropping moment? I hadn't wanted Jamie to kiss me in the totally perfect chick-flick-movie-kiss moment, had I? Um……..No! No, I hadn't.

"Sure," I mumbled back, feeling the excitement over seeing Sienna in concert start to wan. Where was the fun of seeing this awesome singer when your friend is barely talking to you and the two of you had just had a moment and……….._whatever._

I put the car in gear and backed out of Jamie's driveway. I had turned in my seat to back out of the driveway and of course, I had turned towards Jamie. So, once I was backed out into the road, I had a chance to glance at him before turning back around to put the car in drive and start down the road.

He was staring out the window as if something out in the darkness really caught his attention. Maybe it was the lawn gnomes that Mrs. Joanen, Jamie's seventy- five year old neighbor, had all around her lawn. When the lightening lit up the sky, it illuminated their little smiling faces, making them look a little more evil than normal. Yep, I bet his attention was on the lawn gnomes.

But, I thought as I put the car in gear and started down the road, he was clenching his jaw. Did I mention before that that's what he does when something is really bothering him? Well, he does. He did it a lot when Billy and I were going out. Even now, when he hears Billy's name, he clenches his jaw and his hands ball into fists as if is getting ready to beat the stuffing out of the kid. It is most likely a good thing Billy is at Military school because if he were in Kingsport, he would most likely have been sporting a black eye compliments of Jamie's fist.

So, you can maybe see why I get nervous when Jamie clenches his jaw. It means he's thinking really hard about something and that something is bothering him. Great, I thought. Just great. What the heck was up with him?

"Um, are you okay?" I asked, hoping that by some miracle he'd tell me what was going on.

Jamie glanced at me and even though I was staring at the road ahead of the car, I could feel the weight of his gaze on me. 

"Yeah," he answered quietly. "I'm fine." He looked back out the window.

Well jeez, he could have said a little more than that! Obviously something was bothering him because he was still clenching his jaw. And we could just take the whole lawn gnome hypothesis and throw it out the window because we were far away from Mrs. Joanen's yard and Jamie was still staring out the window into the darkness of the night like his life depended on it.

Needless to say, the rest of the ride to Club Velvet was long and silent. Jamie didn't say a word and I just drove, wishing that he'd get a little more cheerful. I wished that he would act like he always did when in my car. He'd turn on the radio and we'd fight good-naturedly about what alternative/modern rock station to listen to. But, tonight was different. I could have turned on country music and he wouldn't have said a word. He would have just kept staring out that darn window, making me go absolutely nuts.

Anyway, we finally got to the club and got inside without too much of a wait in the line of Sienna fans outside. Without talking, Jamie and I chose a table to the left of the stage, three rows back. I would have preferred to sit more towards the middle of the room, but those seats were already taken. I guess we didn't get there as early as we thought we would.

There were tons of people there already in the room. Some stood in the back of the room looking for a good seat, but most were already seated. Everyone was talking to whoever was next to them. I looked around at the different tables filled with people laughing and chatting. I kind of felt lonely. I mean, I was sitting next to Jamie, but we weren't talking at all. It was like we were total strangers or something. If things had really been okay, I knew we'd be exclaiming about how excited we were to be about to see Sienna. We'd try to figure out what she'd sing first, the fast paced, "Find Me" or the slow song, "Shadows Of The Night". Both were awesome songs, but I was kind of hoping she would do "Find Me" first. I wanted to ask Jamie what he thought, but I didn't dare.

But, for the second time that night, it was like he was reading my mind because all of the sudden, Jamie looked at me.

"Caitie," he started, a clear line of worry on his brow.

"Uh huh?" I prompted, wanting more than anything for us to be able to strike up a conversation and talk like we always had. Maybe if we just got talking about something, all the weirdness would melt away.

Jamie opened his mouth to say something, but whatever he was going to say was lost in the clapping and screaming of the fans around us. Sienna and her band had come out on stage.

She was totally my idol. Her long dark hair hung down to her waist and within the long straight strands, little braids hung, their ends tied off with different colored rubber bands. She wore a cotton sundress with spaghetti straps. The dress went down to just above her knees and it had a flower print on it. Her feet were bare, but her two toe rings and two anklets glittered in the lights shining on the stage. In all, she looked like a faery come out to play.

Sienna smiled and waved to the audience as everyone continued to cheer. Her eyes scanned over the crowd as she took everyone in. It's kind of funny because her eyes had just kept moving over the whole crowd, but when she got to where Jamie and I sat, they just kind of stopped there. She looked at us for a minute like she knew something we didn't and then she smiled and turned her gaze back towards the rest of the crowd. 

She blew a kiss to someone in the back of the crowd and I turned to see who it was meant for. A guy with longish blond hair pulled back in a small ponytail stood in the back of the room against the wall. His arms were folded over his chest and he smiled back at Sienna like they shared a secret. I looked back at the stage and saw Sienna still looking back at the guy. Must be her boyfriend, I thought, but then dismissed the thought as she held up her hands for silence.

She adjusted the microphone in front of her and then waited for everyone to quiet down and take their seats. Then she spoke. "I was going to start the set tonight with "Find Me", but I think I want to do something a little different." 

A murmur ran through the crowd as Sienna unhooked the microphone from its holder. Jamie and I just kind of looked at each other surprised. I thought for sure she would start with a song on the piano, but it looked like she had other ideas. 

Sienna walked to the very edge of the stage and then sat down there, her legs dangling over the side. "I'm sure the band won't mind sitting out just this once," she said and threw a brief glance over her shoulder at the band. All five members smiled and put their instruments down. Now, she really had my attention. What was she going to sing a capella? 

Turning back to the audience, Sienna said, "this is a song that I head on the radio a few years ago. I knew when I heard it that when I became a professional singer, I would cover it." She smiled and glanced towards the back of the room again. "It reminds me of someone special," she added.

The lights went down with only one or two focusing on Sienna. The room was totally quiet then as if everyone was holding their breath, waiting for Sienna to start singing. She bowed her head as if readying herself. I knew that all eyes in the room were on her and for one little second I thought vaguely of how weird it must be for her to be a spectacle in front of everyone all the time.

When she looked up, her eyes looked a little sadder. She scanned the audience again and her eyes came to rest on Jamie. I know this for sure because Jamie noticed it too and he kind of shifted in his chair as if he were uncomfortable. He glanced over at me but I was just too mesmerized with the way Sienna was staring at him to look back at him. No one else in the room seemed to notice any of this though. They were all still quiet, waiting for Sienna to sing.

Jamie looked back up towards the stage and I saw him give her a friendly little smile out of the corner of my eye. And then, through the silence cut the first few words uttered from her lips. I knew she had an awesome voice, but jeez….. the way she started the song was almost pure magic.

__

I know there's something in the wake of your smile 

I get a notion from the look in your eye

You've built a love

But that love falls apart

Your little piece of Heaven

Turns too dark.

I could feel my eyes widening at what she was singing. Jeez, it was like she could read his mind or something. How had she possibly known that there was something on Jamie's mind, something weighing him down? Had she too seen him clenching his jaw? It was so weird. And he had just smiled at her. It was almost too coincidental that the first line of her song was about a smile. How could her song be about that? It was all too weird.

And then she turned to me. Her eyes bore deep into my own and it felt as if she was singing right to me. Yeah, I know that sounds corny, but it really did seem like that. I mean, she wasn't even trying to look at anyone else in the room. Just me. 

__

Listen to your heart

When he's calling for you.

Listen to your heart.

There's nothing else you can do.

I don't know where you're going, 

And I don't know why, but

Listen to your heart before

You tell him goodbye.

Her words hit me like a ton of bricks. It was like she knew all about the whole 'incident' from last week and she was trying to give me some advice. Talk about weird. The sane side of me was telling me that there was no way this girl could know anything about what had happened. She probably always picked people out of the audience to sing to and Jamie and I just happened to be the two lucky chosen people tonight. But, still………… The other side of me, the not-so-sane side wanted to throw rationalization out the window and just listen to the words of the song. Weird, huh?

But, it got weirder. Here Sienna was singing to Jamie and then me. And then she surprised everyone in the audience even more. In the middle of singing, she hopped off the stage and ever so slowly started walking through the crowd. Okay, right there it seems pretty weird, right? Well, it got even weirder because she was heading right for the table that Jamie and I were sitting at. Now, remember I told you that Jamie and I were sitting to the left side of the stage. You would think that if she were to sing to someone, she would have picked a table towards the middle. But nope, she was heading our way.

She stopped right in front of our table and stared down at Jamie and I both. So weird. We both just kind of looked at her with a look of surprise on our faces. She gave us both this little half-smile and then she reached out slowly to Jamie. His left hand had been resting on the top of the table and her fingers slid over it, covering it. Vaguely, I wondered what the guy in the back of the room was thinking at that moment. I could just imagine that he and everyone else in the room were craning their necks to see what she would do next. I know I was kind of wondering that myself. 

Sienna curled her fingers around Jamie's hand and lifted it up in her own. The she continued to sing, her eyes only on him.

__

Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile.

The precious moments are all

Lost in the tide, yeah.

They're swept away and 

Nothing is what it seems,

the feeling of belonging to your dreams.

Then with her other hand, her right hand, she reached out to me. As soon as I saw her hand reach out to me, I automatically raised my right hand out of where it had been resting in my lap and allowed her to take it. Her hands were cool, which surprised me. I guess I thought they'd be all sweaty from the lights being on her and everything. But, she was acting all calm, as if she walked into the audience and held people's hands while she sang all the time. 

So now she had my right hand in one hand and Jamie's left hand in the other one. Anyone could figure out what she was going to do next. But, it surprised me. I didn't really think that she'd do _that. _It just never occurred to me.

Sienna brought her two hands together and linked my hand with Jamie's. Then, with our hands still linked, she placed her hands on top of ours. She closed her eyes while she sang.

__

Listen to your heart 

When he's calling for you.

Listen to your heart

There's nothing else you can do.

I don't know where you're going 

And I don't know why, but

Listen to your heart before

You tell him goodbye.

Okay, I know this will sound really strange but I swear that while she was singing with her eyes closed, I felt something. Something really weird. It was like this tingling or something started between where Jamie's hand touched mine. I looked up at him sharply, wondering if he had noticed it too. Sure enough, his eyes were wide and he was staring at me as if asking me the exact same thing. Of course I had noticed it. It was kind of hard not to.

__

And there are voices 

That want to be heard.

So much to mention

But you can't find the words.

The scent of magic,

The beauty that's been

When love was wilder

Than the wind.

Jamie stared at me and I stared at Jamie. Whoa, was all I could think. I mean, what the heck do you think in a situation like this. One minute you are feeling pretty crappy because your best guy friend is not talking to you and the next minute you are holding hands with him while you two are being serenaded by your favorite singer. Suffice it to say, we were definitely having a moment. And what a moment it was! 

Sienna opened her eyes and smiled at us as she finished the song with another round of the chorus. As soon as she finished the last note, the room burst into applause. I hardly even heard it at all. I was still staring at Jamie and he was still staring at me. I felt so light, as if all the depressing feelings that I had carried into the club were gone. When I looked at Jamie there was just so much I wanted to say, but at that exact moment in time, I couldn't think of anyway to say it.

Sienna let go of our hands and she started to move away towards the stage. The fans around us kept whistling and cheering for her up until she started the next song of her set. I just sat there in a daze, holding Jamie's hand.

……………………………………………………………..

Oh yeah, I know how it sounds. It sounds all romantic and stuff. And I just bet you would love it if Jamie and I had just fallen head over heals in love with each other at that point, right? Well, that's not exactly what happened. 

…………………………………………………………….

The rest of the concert kind of went by in a blur. All I know is that Jamie and I held hands for the whole thing. But, by the last song, the old familiar doubts had crept back into my mind again. How the heck could I let this happen? Jamie and I being together as anything more than friends was just not a good idea. I mean, it would never work out. Don't forget I am leaving to go to Syracuse University tomorrow and Jamie will still be in Kingsport. We won't see each other very much at all. So, I couldn't let anything happen. Nothing could happen. It just couldn't.

After the concert was over, I hopped out of my seat like my butt was on fire. Just as quickly, I pulled my hand out of Jamie's grasp and grabbed my coat. 

"Gotta get out of here to beat the traffic," I mumbled and then took off for the door. I knew he would follow me so I tried very hard not to notice the bewildered look on his face. Okay, so maybe in retrospect I realize that I kind of ran out without really giving him a good explanation, but I wasn't ready to talk to Jamie about that kind of stuff yet. Heck, I wasn't too sure what that stuff _was_ yet.

The ride back from the concert was extremely annoying. It was the worst car ride ever. Jamie had gone back to staring out the window. And me? Well, I, for some reason, felt the need to see how much talking I could do in that amount of time. Heck, let's face it. I was nervous. So, I let my mouth run away so that I didn't really have to think. I talked about how pretty Sienna had been and how awesome she had played the piano. I said exactly what I liked about every song she performed except for the first one. I didn't mention anything about that at all. And Jamie just kept on looking out the window.

I pulled into Jamie's driveway and stopped talking. I looked over to where he sat and smiled cheerfully, hoping that I could fool him into thinking everything was alright. But, all he did was return my gaze and the smile dropped off my face.

"Caitie," he said softly with a tinge of something that sounded a lot like frustration.

I waited, a part of me wanting him to go on and a part of me praying that he would stop there before things got too far. But, he didn't say anything. He just looked at me for a few more seconds and then reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out a folded up piece of paper. 

"Here," he said, giving it to me. I accepted the paper, a look of confusion on my face. What was the paper for, I wondered.

But, even as I was about to ask, Jamie was climbing out of the car and shutting the door behind him.

"Night!" I called out, but either he didn't hear me or he was ignoring me because he didn't answer me. I watched him trudge up to the front door of his house and let himself in before I backed out of the driveway and drove away.

…………………………………………………………….

So now here I sit with my two best friends, Ben and Jerry. I feel like I want to cry because I just read the letter Jamie gave me. Gosh, why did things have to get so complicated? Why couldn't we have just stayed friends like we were before? Why did things have to change? I want to go back to the way they were when our biggest worry was having to put off movie night until I got back from college.

I am leaving for college tomorrow. I can't deal with all this stuff now. I mean, it's just too much right now. I made the right decision when it came to Jamie, right? In the end, I think I did our friendship a favor- I preserved it. I think. I just didn't want us to lose our friendship. And everyone knows long distance relationships never work out. So, I did the best thing, right?

Well, then how come I feel like crap? How come I read Jamie's letter and dove for the ice cream?

I bet you are wondering what his letter said. Yeah, so was I when I got home from the concert. So, I sat on the couch and read it. Then I headed for the freezer where I knew the Rocky Road was.

Here's what it said:

Caitie,

I probably won't even give you this letter. In fact, I'll probably never even mention it. I just had to say some of this stuff to get it off my chest and I figured that since I can't say this stuff to you, I might as well write it down.

Something happened last week in your living room that I had not really been prepared for. I mean, I really had not expected it to happen. And when it did, I have to admit I was kind of happy about it. I didn't know how much I liked you until I kissed you last week. Then it was like, oh yeah, I knew that. 

You've been such a huge part of my life that I never really noticed it before. But, now I can't seem to stop thinking about it.

I know you don't feel the same way about me that I do about you. I know that you felt nothing when we kissed. You told me that much. It hurts to think that, but I'll get over it. Just give me time.

Jamie

Holy Nelly, what was I supposed to say to that? Little does he know, I did feel something when we kissed. Oy. 

………………………………………………

Sienna sat at one of the tables in the empty club and stared at the stage. A slight smile graced her lips as she thought back to the concert just a couple of hours before. It had always thrilled her the way the audience screamed her name. They loved her and her music, which was something she had been working towards for years. And now she had made it. Sure, she played huge auditoriums filled with fans screaming so loud that Sienna could barely hear the music of the guitar that she held in her hands. But, the little clubs were always more important to her. In a small club, she could be closer to her fans- could even reach out and touch them.

Like I did tonight, she thought and her smile grew as she pictured the couple in her mind. Well, she would bet that they weren't exactly a couple yet, but time would fix that. Sienna had known as soon as she laid eyes on them that they were supposed to be together. They just fit together, even though they had appeared not to be talking at the beginning of the concert. And so, she had gone out into the audience and had sung to them, something that she had always wanted to do, but had never gotten up the nerve until that night. She had seen the couple and the way that they sat next to each other, but looked as if they were a million miles apart from one another. But, she had fixed that. She had linked their hands, and therefore, brought them back to each other. Ah, the romantic in her was alive and well.

A noise of footfall on the wooden floor behind her brought her out of her thoughts, but she did not turn. She knew who was behind her and her smile deepened even more. With her song and her actions, she had given the two young people something to think about, she knew. She just hoped that they made the right decision before it was too late, as she had.

"You were wonderful tonight, Si," a deep voice behind her said softly and she turned in her chair.

"I love the clubs," she replied and the guy standing behind her smiled. He knew how much she loved being so close to her fans. 

He moved the last couple of steps to the table and sat down in the chair next to where Sienna sat. "That young couple looked so shocked to have you singing to them in the beginning," he said and Sienna laughed.

They aren't a couple yet, Thorn," she said and watched as he shrugged his shoulders. A bit of his long blond hair slipped out of the ponytail holder and fell into his eyes. Sienna reached out her hand and tucked the bit of blond hair behind his ear. 

"What made you think to sing to them?" Thorn asked softly, looking at the girl, whom he had fallen in love with while watching her sing just months before.

Sienna smiled and then leaned over to kiss Thorn quickly on the lips. "They just needed to hear the words, I think," she replied.

Well, what did you think? The last chapter will be out soon, I think, and that chapter will have a new song in it as well. Please read and review.

To all IaHB writers: have you guys joined the IaHB fanfic yahoo group thingy that Maureen started a while ago? It's a place to post your fics and write about the show in e-mails to the group. Interested and can't figure out how to join? Ask me or Mo how to do it.

Also, Darkchilde set up a message board just for IaHB fans. There is a place to discuss the show and also to post fics. Here's the address: http://pub41.ezboard.com/binaheartbeat

And last, but not least, here's is another place to post fics:

http://pub56.ezboard.com/bderenswritersblock

This site is for **_all writers of all genres_** including: fanfics, poetry, original scifi, romance, humor, horror, etc. Check it out.


	3. Chapter Three

Disclaimer: I own nothing IaHb related.  The lyrics are from the song "Linger," by the Cranberries.  I don't anything related to them either.

A/N:  Sorry that it took me so long to get this next part out, guys.  I've been concentrating on writing originals for a while.  Hope you like this chapter.  Please review.  

Pg-13 for language.  You have been warned.

The heater was turned up as high as it would go in the car, but I was still shivering.  My jacket was zipped up all the way and a scarf was wrapped tightly around my neck.  I tried to ignore the little bits of ice on the windshield that I must have missed when scraping it.  Welcome to winter in Kingsport.

I had gotten back to Kingsport a couple of hours ago.  Jeez, I have to admit that it was nice to leave the grueling semester of papers and finals behind in Syracuse as I went home for the holidays.  It's funny, a part of me had been so excited to go to college at the end of the summer.  It was like I couldn't wait to be more independent, more my own person.  But now that the first semester was over, I was glad to see all the familiar sights of my hometown around me.

My mom had been so happy to have me home again.  She had met me at the front door and wrapped me in a big hug before I could even say hi.  But, I guess I understand.  My mom and I were always close- even when I went through that rebellious stage in high school.  Ahem, not that I was entirely through it now, of course.

So, after I had lugged my bags from the car up to my room, I had settled into a chair in the kitchen to chat with my mom.  She was humming along to Christmas music that was playing on the little portable radio on the counter and she was baking Christmas treats.  In that tiny moment, I remembered sitting in the exact place as a child, waiting impatiently for the cookies, fudge or whatever to come out of the oven.  And then later on in years, it had been Jamie and I both sitting there waiting.  Then we'd go to his house and wait for his mom's treats to bake.

_Jamie._

I hadn't wanted to think about him much while I was at school.  I wanted to just pretend that whatever issues had been left between us before I left for college would magically disappear before I got back.  After all, college was going to be a whole new world for me and I didn't want to have anything in the back of my mind preventing me from enjoying my first semester.

But, it's funny how you want one thing and actually get another.  I mean, here I had been hoping that my mind wouldn't constantly turn to thoughts of Jamie, but that's exactly what it did.  Little things reminded me of him: the kid who lived down the hall, who had been an EMT like Jamie was; the motorcycle parked everyday in the upper classmen parking lot; the picture of he and I at homecoming that had been taped to the side of my computer screen in my dorm room.

So many thoughts of Jamie, but none of it had been enough to make me e-mail or call him.  Okay, call me a coward, but I just couldn't talk to him then.  I just couldn't deal with the fact that we hadn't spoken since the night of the concert.  I mean, we hadn't even spoken to each other when I had come home for Thanksgiving break.  And besides, what was I supposed to say?  The truth?  Oh yeah, that would go over big.  I can just see it now.  I'd call Jamie up and say, " hey, sorry about pushing you away.  I really didn't want to, but I was scared and confused.  But, now that I'm back, can we pick up where we left off?"  Oh yeah, that would be just great.

Anyway, I had sat in the kitchen and had answered the generic college questions posed by my mom.  How were finals?  Are you glad the first semester is over?  Are you glad to be home?  I kind of figured these kinds of questions would be coming.  Mom wanted to know all about my first semester experience.

But, as soon as there was a lull in my mom's rapid fire of questions, I had blurted out the one thing that had been on my mind the entire drive home.  "Has Jamie called yet?"  

I figured he would call to see what time I was getting in.  I mean, why wouldn't he?  We were great friends and all that.  Of course, there was that whole kiss/ concert ordeal between us…and we hadn't even seen each other Thanksgiving break, he hadn't called then……. but he'd call now, wouldn't he?  I had spent the whole drive home convincing myself that he would call.  He would.  He _had_ to.  

Mom had sadly shaken her head no.  I think she could feel my disappointment because after a few seconds of silence, she had suggested that I take a drive around town, maybe stop at Val's house.  Immediately, I had jumped at the chance.  I hadn't seen Val since before we left for college.  So, I had thrown on my big lumpy winter jacket and had set back out into the snow.  

I thought about driving to Jamie's house first, before going to Val's but with a quick glance down at the little clock on the dash, I realized school wasn't out yet for him.  I smiled, thinking how he still had another half of year to go before he graduated high school.  A part of me wondered how he was faring.  Did he still get detention practically every day?  I guess if I had e-mailed him, I'd know the answer to that question.  But, I hadn't been able to bring myself to do it while I was at college.

The drive to Val's house was so short that the car didn't even have time to heat up all the way.  So, I was still shivering when I pulled into her driveway and put the car in park.  A quick thought of how warm Val's house would be in comparison to the car flashed across my mind and I clambered out of the car and up the two front steps with enough speed to make my high school gym teacher proud.

My hand was raised in a fist, ready to knock, when the door flew open and 115 pounds of Val Lanier came flying at me.  With a little squeal, she wrapped her arms around my neck and hugged me.

"Oh Caitie," She said, before pulling back from me, "I'm so glad to see you.  I was so hoping you'd come by when you got home." 

I smiled even though I was still freezing.  It was so great to see my best friend again after so long.  All thoughts of problems with Jamie slipped out of my mind as I followed her inside the house and shut the door.  It was so cool, it was like we were like we had always been- Caitie and Val- no problems whatsoever.  Why couldn't Jamie and I be like that again, I thought vaguely as I half-listened to Val ramble on about her semester.  

She was so excited, practically bouncing down the short hallway towards the living room.  She explained how much fun it had been for her to live in the dorm and all the new friends she had made and how she was in the cheerleading squad already, which was so great because the tryouts for freshman were _so_ hard.  My head was spinning just listening to her talk.  But it was great!  I hadn't even realized to the full extent how much I had missed Val until I listened to her babble excitedly.  And I had to smile.  She hadn't changed a bit and I was so very glad of that.

When we got to the living room, I was not necessarily surprised to see that I was not the only one who had gotten the idea to visit her.  Hank and Tyler were sitting on the couch, laughing at some comment that had been shared between the two before we had come into the room.  They both looked up and greeted me as Val and I came into the room and I said, "hey," right back at them.

You know, I had never really been close to them in high school.  But they had always been friends of Val's and Jamie's……_Jamie…..no I will not think about him…… _and so they had kind of become friends of mine too.  Well, friends that I didn't really talk to that much.  They were cool though, you know, for being jocks and all.

I settled into a chair across from the couch and Val sat down in a chair next to me.  This all felt so normal to me, like we hadn't even left high school and gone to college for a whole semester.  How many times had we all sat in these exact positions and talked about nothing important after a long day of stupid classes in high school?  The only thing missing from this picture was Jamie.  

"Have you guys, um, heard from Jamie lately?"  I asked almost hesitantly, as if afraid of the answer.  Okay, well, maybe a part of me was afraid of the answer.  I mean, what if they had heard from him and I hadn't?  He wouldn't have written to them and not me, right?   I knew that I was the one out of this little motley group that he was the closest to.  Well, at least he had been closest to.  After the whole kiss/ concert thing, I wasn't so sure.

Hank nodded once.  "I heard from him a couple of times during the semester on e-mail.  Not anything really recent though."

Tyler and Val just nodded, but I felt my heart drop just a smidge.  Okay, I told myself, it's no big deal.  It wasn't like he talked to them all the time or anything like that.  Besides, he probably was just too busy with school and the squad to e-mail me too.  Yeah, that was it.  No big deal.  He couldn't possibly be mad at me still.  Or hurt.

"Actually," Val added, "I told Brooke to have him to stop over here after school to see us.  So we can all catch up with him.  In fact, he should be here anytime." 

This time I was the one who nodded.  I said nothing, though.  My mind was too busy spinning.  Jamie was coming here..very soon.  And why the heck was my heart all the sudden seeming to beat a smidge faster than before?  Why should Jamie coming over to Val's house to see everyone affect me?  

"Caitie," Val said, turning in her chair to face me.  "There's probably something you should know before---."  The sound of knocking on the front door cut her off and with a quick look at Tyler and Hank, which I didn't really have time to interpret, she rose from her chair and walked to answer the front door.

_If you, if you could return_

_Don't let it burn, don't let it fade_

                I heard his voice before I saw him.  I heard him greet Val and I heard her return the greeting, but her voice was kind of muffled, so I figured she was probably giving him a hug hello.  They were just out of my line of vision, but Tyler and Hank could see down the short hallway to the door just fine.  They both had been looking down that way when Val had gone to the door, but now they looked at each other as if talking telepathically.  Tyler shot a glance over at me before looking back to meet Hank's eye and I knew, just knew, something was wrong.  

                What the heck was it?  What was the problem?  I remembered that Val had wanted to tell me something right before Jamie had knocked on the door.  Was it something to do with Jamie? I had no idea what all the glances my way were for, but I knew that Tyler and Hank obviously knew something I did not.  

                And then I heard the voice.  There was Val's voice and Jamie's voice, intertwining as they talked enthusiastically by the door.  And another voice.  Another _female voice to be exact.  My brow furrowed as I tried to hear what they were saying.  Who was standing in the kitchen area with Jamie and Val?  The voice sounded kind of familiar, but I couldn't really place it.  There was a bubble of laughter and I tried yet again to remember where I had heard that person's voice before._

                My eyes darted over to where Hank and Tyler sat on the couch, looking at me very uncomfortably.  And I knew.  It came to me all of the sudden as if someone had thrown a switch in my brain and the name of the person was there.  Bobbie.  Bobbie was in Val's house.  She had come with Jamie.  And here I was sitting in the living room.

                 I felt my stomach drop as if I was on a roller coaster.  Tears threatened to build up in my eyes, but I gritted my teeth.  Maybe Bobbie was just borrowing a CD from Val…or a shirt.  Aw, who was I kidding?  The only way Val would even know Bobbie was through Jamie.  And if Bobbie and Jamie were hanging out together, that might mean that they were……

                And why should it matter to me if they were….?  And how come I can't even seem to say that there is a possibility that they might be……  It was Jamie's life.  His choice.  And besides, it wasn't like I was jealous.  It wasn't like I had spent the whole semester thinking about him and finally admitting to myself the night before I came home that maybe I did actually want to be a little more to him than friends.  It wasn't like I had spent the entire time thinking about how I hoped he had called while I drove home.  Okay, that's what it really was like.  All of those things were true, I confess.  But, now….Bobbie?!?!

                The voices got closer as they came down the little hallway and into the living room.  And I steeled myself for the worst.  Seeing Jamie would be one thing- a very hard thing, indeed- but seeing him standing next to Bobbie would be awful.  

                I bit my lip and prayed that I would somehow be able to disappear from the room like a ghost.  I did not want to be there.  Jeez, you could not have paid me enough money to want to be there.  I knew that whatever happened in that room was going to suck really bad.

                "Just breathe," Hank said quietly, his dark eyes intent on me.  "And smile."

                "Yeah," Tyler added, "don't let her get to you."

_I'm sure I'm not being rude_

_But it's just your attitude_

_It's tearing me apart_

_It's ruining everything_

                All three of us looked up as Val, Jamie, and…Bobbie came into the room.  Tyler and Hank immediately stood up (blocking me from Jamie's view) so that they could slap Jamie on the back, high five him, do complicated handshakes or whatever the heck guys do when they greet each other.  I didn't move.  I would prefer to think that my butt was glued to the seat only because I wanted to show I was not affected in anyway by the new member to our little group.  But, in actuality, my legs were shaking really bad.  No, I told myself.  This is not happening.  Can't be.

                Everyone was laughing and talking at the same time and I just kind of sat there, thinking that maybe my prayers had been answered and I had disappeared.  And then Tyler and Hank moved to sit back down on the couch and Jamie's eyes came to rest on me.  At first his eyes- had I ever really noticed how dark they were before?- widened, but then as if catching himself, they narrowed.     

                "Caitie," he said as a statement.  No " how the heck are you?".  No "I've missed you".  Nothing at all.  Just my name.  He didn't even move forward a step to greet me.  And of course, seeing that my nerves were pretty much shot, I couldn't move myself.

                "Hi Jamie," I said quietly, with a sad little smile.  I wanted him to grin at me like he always used to.  I wanted him to complain that I hadn't written to him and how we were due for a movie marathon again.  But, he didn't do any of that.  Instead, he just looked at me for a minute with hard eyes as if assessing me.  Then without another word, he turned and strode to sit on the couch with Bobbie in between Tyler and Hank.  The sad little smile dropped off my face and was replaced with a big fat frown.

_I swore, I swore I would be true_

And honey so did you 

                Why was this happening like this?  My homecoming from college was not supposed to be like this at all.  It was supposed to be great- see all the old friends, hang out with Jamie.  Lots of fun and no worries.  But, what was this?  Jamie was acting as if he hated me and Val was trying her best to keep up a conversation, even though the tension in the air kind of killed it all.

                Jamie and I had always said that we would be friends no matter what.  _No matter what.  We always said that nothing could stand in the way of us being friends. Okay, yeah, at the time that we had said this, there had been no way that we would have known that we would kiss and stuff.  But still, didn't our friendship mean anything to him?  Didn't he still at least want to be friends?  _

                Val rambled on with Tyler and Hank trying desperately to fill in the gaps.  Jamie looked tense, as if he would fly off the couch at any second.  And Bobbie looked absolutely way too cozy sitting next to Jamie.  Sitting way too close to Jamie.  Damn her.

So why were you holding her hand Is that the way we stand 

Hank was talking now, but I didn't hear a word he said.  I was too busy staring at Bobbie's right hand, which was slowly covering Jamie's left one.  Jamie laughed at whatever Hank said and without even looking at Bobbie, he stretched his fingers out so that her fingers could intertwine with his own.  I felt my stomach fall and all at once I was afraid that maybe I would be throwing up some of my mom's Christmas cookies all over the nice neat rug in Val's living room.

My eyes flicked to where Val sat and she returned my gaze with a sympathetic one of her own.  Jeez, I must have looked so pathetic sitting there.  I mean, I couldn't do anything and no words were coming to my mind at all.  So, it wasn't like I could join the conversation.  Besides, even if I could think of something to say, how could I possibly just sit there and pretend everything was all wonderful?  Jamie was sitting across from me holding _Bobbie's_ hand.  I had never thought that that would happen.  I thought that the whole Bobbie thing was over a long time ago.  How could this have happened?  How could they have ended up together?

I felt like crap.  Totally.  

_Were you lying all the time_

_Was it just a game to you_

                As everyone kept talking and acting cheerful, I stared at the floor and let my mind wander a bit back to the time right before I had left for college.  Even though I really didn't want it to, my mind went straight to that night when Jamie and I had been having our movie marathon.  That was where the problem started, really.  See, I had challenged Jamie to kiss me.  It shouldn't have been such a big deal, but it turned into something huge.  When we kissed…..well, let's just say that it was a lot different that I thought it would be.  I mean, I hadn't expected to actually _feel_ something when we kissed.  It had just been a dare, a little joke on my part.  But, it turned out to be something a bit more serious.  And I wasn't the only one who seemed to get into it.  Jamie seemed to have enjoyed himself a bit too.  He probably would have kept right on kissing me if I hadn't pulled away from him.

And then there was that time right before I left for school, when we had gone to the Sienna concert.  The concert had kicked total ass, but things were still not cool between Jamie and I.  After the concert, he had given me a note that told me exactly what he had thought of the whole kiss thing.  

_But I'm in so deep_

You know, I kept that note.  I even (for some reason beyond my own comprehension) took it to school with me.  I kept it in the top drawer of my desk.  And sometimes-okay, a lot of times- I would take it out and read it.  Over and over again.  It was that letter that kind of made me think about Jamie and I in a different light.  We had always been friends and I had never wanted to do anything to jeopardize that friendship.  But, that letter made me realize how important he was to me.  I had even made a promise to myself that I would tell him exactly what he meant to me when I saw him next.  It looked like I was too late on that one, though.  Bobbie had gotten to him first.  Damn her.

_You know I'm such a fool for you_

_You've got me wrapped around you finger_

I glanced back up at Jamie and found him looking at me.  The conversation was still roaring away around us, but it was as if all that didn't matter.  He was just staring at me, his deep eyes boring into mine like he was trying to send me a message telepathically.  I blinked thinking that it would kind of wake him up from the stupor he seemed to be in, but he just continued to stare at me, his mouth in a grim line.  Why the heck wouldn't he look away?

_Do you have to, do you have to let it linger _

I thought again about the little promise I had made myself before coming home for vacation.  I had actually been kind of nervous about telling him how I felt.  Imagine me, Caitie Roth, nervous to talk to Jamie Waite.  Normally, it wouldn't be a problem at all to talk to him.  But, this was different.  It was way different.

_Oh, I thought the world of you_

_I thought nothing could go wrong_

_But I was wrong, I was wrong_

But, a part of me had been excited, too, to be able to talk to him and tell him the truth.  I had thought that everything would be cool.  Maybe he'd even kiss me again.  Sure, I knew that it would change our relationship and all that, but heck, it could have been for the better, right?  Of course, I guess we'll never know now.

"You know," Val said, drawing me out of my sad little reverie and making me look away from Jamie, "all of us should go out for some pizza.  To catch up."

The unspoken _'and let Jamie and Caitie talk'_ was left hanging in the air.    

Hey, I thought it was a great idea.  I mean, how much more of a strange group could we possibly get?  There were Tyler, Hank and Val, who were trying their hardest to act all perky and excited to see everyone, be back in their old hometown, etc.  And then there was Jamie, who was attempting not to look at me.  He pretty much talked to everyone else and pretended that I didn't exist.  Then there was Bobbie, who did not belong, no matter what anyone said.  She was sitting way to close to Jamie, holding his hand, and it was really bugging me.  And then there was me, who was wishing mightily that I could just disappear.  Yeah Val, great idea, let's go get some pizza so I can hear all the horrid details about how Jamie and Bobbie ended up together.

Tyler and Hank nodded viciously at Val's idea as if they agreed with it wholeheartedly.  Of course, they probably just wanted to get us out of the house.  I mean, in the comfort of Val's living room, there was always the possibility that Bobbie or I might jump out and claw the other one's eyeballs out.  But in public, they knew that neither of us would probably make a scene.  They really had nothing to worry about.  I wouldn't do anything to Bobbie, not yet at least.  I mean, I wasn't able to get out of the chair and beat her up because my legs were still kind of wobbly.

"Actually," Jamie said, his eyes never straying a few feet from where Val sat to where I sat.  "We just wanted to stop by for a few minutes.  Um..Bobbie and I have plans tonight."  

I felt my jaw drop.  They had 'plans'?  Did this mean that they were at least semi-serious?  Oh boy, this was worse than I thought.  

Bobbie grinned and giggled. I mean, she _actually_ giggled.  It was such a disgusting display of lack of intelligence on her part.  I watched as she squeezed Jamie's hand and then looked around room at the rest of the group.  

"Tonight is our movie night," she said and I felt my heart fall.  They had a movie night?  I thought that was Jamie's and my thing.  "We are going to watch some movie called "Sliding Doors".  Jamie said he heard it was good."

I felt myself pale.  Then she looked directly at me for what she said next.  "He's seen half of it before, but he never got to see the second part."

Score one for Bobbie.  Cheap shot.  Bitch.

She giggled again and then leaned over to kiss Jamie's cheek with a big smack.  I grimaced, thinking that now he had her germs all over his cheek.  Tyler rolled his eyes and Hank and Val just looked extremely uncomfortable.  But Jamie………  Jamie looked uncomfortable too.  And for a minute, (I swear I did not make this up) he looked kind of annoyed.  He flicked a glance over at Bobbie, which did not look very happy at all.  And there was something else too.  He was clenching his jaw.

_If you, if you could get by_

_Trying not to lie_

_Things wouldn't be so confused_

_And I wouldn't feel so used        _

What was this?  He looked angry.  And he never clenched his jaw unless he had some serious stuff on his mind.  And shouldn't he have had no problem with his new girlfriend kissing him?  Something wasn't right.  In my heart, I felt a little glimmer of hope.  I mean, all of the sudden I noticed how stiff Jamie was sitting, and how his body was actually leaning slightly away from Bobbie.  It was Bobbie that was all over him.  

Jamie turned and caught my questioning glance, but he looked away quickly before I could raise my eyebrow.  He knew I knew something was up.  I mean, I knew Jamie Waite better than anyone else did- especially that horrible, horrible little girl Bobbie.  So, Jamie would know I would pick up on the signs that he was upset. 

"We have to go," he said and then stood from the couch, pulling Bobbie to her feet.  He said good-bye to everyone, excluding me, of course.  And then practically pulled Bobbie out of the room to the front door.  Val went with them.

I sighed as soon as they were gone and slumped in my chair, feeling the tension in my body start to flow away.  But, something was still bothering me.  Why had Jamie reacted that way when Bobbie had simply kissed him?  Granted, she did it in a really show-offy manner, but he shouldn't have cared if it was his girlfriend.  If he really cared about her.

He cared about you at one time, my mind said and I felt sadness wash over me.  Yes, he did.  He even wrote me a letter saying how much he cared for me.  "But you always really knew," I whispered, as if Jamie could hear me.  "You always knew what your feelings were."

And then as I heard the front door close, I added something else to my whispering.  "I just want to be with you."

Well, after that, the real party started.  Val came back into the living room and with Tyler and Hank proceeded to apologize profusely for what had just happened.  

_                "Oh Caitie," Val said, her brow furrowed in worry, "I am so sorry about that.  I didn't know that he would be bringing her with him."_

                I was going to act like it didn't matter, like it was okay that Jamie had decided to be with someone else.  I really was going to be all cool about it.  There was just one problem.  It really did matter that Jamie was with someone else- it pissed me off and made me depressed at the same time.  "How did this _happen?"  I managed to say._

"Well," Hank started, "apparently after we all left for college, Jamie started racing again.  And Bobbie was there.  And I guess one thing led to another…..

"If it makes you feel any better," Tyler said.  "We don't think they should be together."

"Yeah, you are so much better for him," Hank added.

Val nodded.  "And we like you more.  None of us like Bobbie at all."

You know, sometimes you really have to love the perky cheerleader.

_But I'm in so deep_

_You know I'm such a fool for you_

_You got me wrapped around your finger_

_Do you have to let it linger_

_Do you have to, do you have to let it linger_

I really should have started feeling better around that time.  I mean, here I had my friends with me, who backed me up on this.  But, I still didn't have Jamie.  _Why did he look annoyed at Bobbie_, my mind asked incessantly as Val, Tyler and Hank started to list some of Bobbie's less than desirable personality traits.  _Why did he look almost as if he didn't want to be near her?  _

Something weird was going on.  Something was not right with Jamie.  Something…… 

"I have to go," I announced abruptly and stood from the chair.  I smiled at Val to show her I was okay.  And I said goodbye to the guys. Then I booked it out of Val's house before they could stop me.  If they stopped me, they might have gotten me to tell them what I planned on doing.  And then they most likely would have talked me out of it.  Or at least, I imagine, they would have tried.  But, this way, I left them in the dark.  

They had no idea that I was on my over to Jamie's house to finally tell him how I felt.  Bobbie or no Bobbie, I was going to tell him.

TBC.  Please review. Thanks. 


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